Monday, February 1, 2010

Man, Those Ancient Chinese Curses...

You've heard of the ancient Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times", right?

I've recently taken a look at my world and realized that there must be another, more ancient curse, probably Babylonian:

"May you live in times so boring that you want to poke your own eyes with a stick simply because it's something to do."

"May you live in days so dull that you want to paint something that doesn't need painting just to watch it dry."

Yes, I know that's two curses, but I think that whoever made them up must have had the same problem that I face:

My life is exceptionally dull (Shut up, Rob).

I got a hair cut yesterday, and was remarkably excited about it. Those of you who know me well (Yes, Rob, again I'm typing at you) are probably coming up with pithy responses like, "Looks like they took a bit too much off the hairline", which I mention here because I'm so very bored and that amuses me.

I sometimes feel like my profile name on Facebook should be, "Move along, folks; nothing to see here".

Then I realize that my oldest son is so scarily smart that he could probably MacGuyver a nuclear accelerator out of potato chips and a soda can. And duct tape.

Then I realize that in the past two years, my youngest son has not only put himself into a week-long stay in the hospital by driving his bike off the edge of his grandfather's driveway, but also caused me to say (to quote Dave Barry, I am not making this up), "Thank God he only maced himself".

When I think about these two children growing up together and the trail of wreckage they will leave behind them, not only am I no longer bored, I'm actually looking forward to the carnage.

Bored? Heck, no:

I'm a dad.

'Course, I'm also terrified to go to sleep when the boys are home, but that's the price you pay.

Thanks for reading my ranting,



  1. Hey, it's a great rant. A pleasure to read. :-)

  2. Um... if this is you BORED, I'd love to see what you NOT BORED looks like. This is the most entertaining thing I've read all day (and you know I read a lot, so yeah, that's saying something).

    My son has yet to mace himself. Thanks for adding one more thing to my list of HOLY CRAP I HOPE THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

  3. A great way to start the morning. Holy heck, that's funny. Your boys remind me of some of the things my brother has done, and make me hope that my son will not be much like him. Of course, then I remember some of the stories I've heard about my husband, and then, well, I hope some more. ;)

  4. @Kim-thanks. I enjoy ranting, and it's good to know someone enjoys the reading of it.

    @Lydia--I once had a list like that. I threw it away when I realized that if the boys ever found it, it would become a "to-do" list.

    @Jaleh--My kids come by it naturally. There are many, many events from my childhood which I hope they never learn of and/or repeat. I consider myself lucky to still have both eyes and all of my appendages, and hope my children grow up similarly intact.

  5. Dude, what have I ever done to deserve being called out (twice) in one rant? Ever? It almost hurt my feelings. Just to show I'm a good sport, I'm gonna ask for... 5 examples.

    Now then, I gotta ask, mace? I missed this story and would like the details. I'm sure they're amusing (obviously discounting the crying and such (although...)) and I really hope you didn't try to use water to take the sting out. That just makes it much, much worse; this I know.

    Also, you're safe. He needs a paper clip to finish the nuclear reactor. With the parts you listed he could only build a minor atomic pile at best. No worries.

    As to the trail of wreckage they're going to leave behind them? A word of advice, make sure you stay 2 steps ahead of 'em at all times...

    I thought about closing with a curse but figured that would just be crass...

    ...and totally unlike me.

  6. Only five, Rob? With all of the years and abuse we share?
    1. Never letting me forget that even though it's only by a few weeks, I'm older and will die sooner.
    2. Tying Rosie and Chance's leashes together and saying "Go get Brad!"
    3. That "Boogedy Man" thing on Toejam and Earl.
    4. The leg-sweep in Wal-Mart's parking lot that went so horribly wrong.
    5. Your mechanical pencils in Mr. VonSick's class.
    And I only call you out because I know that if you had a blog, you'd do the same.

  7. Hmmm, well played. I was gonna call foul on the Toejam and Earl thing, but I decided to look it up first. Holy Crap I completely forgot about that game. However, it appears that they were just called Boogey Men in the game; not Boogedy. Must be the age catching up with you...

    Course thinking about that reminded me of the Boogey Man from the Ghostbusters cartoon; then also reminded me of the really creepy Boogey Man guy at the Zoo a couple of years ago. So, thanks for that.

  8. As I have heard the mace story, I am needing to hear the driveway story. Also, I once read that mothers of boys work from son up till son down. I think that applies to fathers, too. Parenting is not for wimps.

  9. Hey Brad, guess what. Apparently Toejam and Earl is one of the classic games you can download on your Wii if you're so inclined and have it hooked up to the internet.

    You B@st@rd (make it a bit family friendly). After looking it up I saw it was a Wii Virtual Console game and promptly lost 2 hours of my life. Jammin...